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You are just such a nice guy.
These are perhaps the most insidious words that you can hear. Not because these words are occurred with ill intent, because mostly they’re not, but because they leave you very very confused.
You might have seen this play out countless. If you’re a guy, you might have asked out a girl, and she rejected you, by saying that you’re just too nice. Or, you might have a friend, who you know is just very nice, but you don’t really like hanging out with him. Or there is the guy at the office, who everybody knows is nice, but nobody likes talking to because there’s just something off about him.
Being nice has somehow become a euphemism for being boring. And this is true for both men and women. Far too often nice people are just ignored, and people often ending complaining about the fact that “nice guys finish last”. In this video I’m going to show you why you should stop being nice, and start being kind. I’m going to do this using the ideas in Dr. Robert Glover’s book NO more Mr nice guy and using my own personal experiences.
Now in this video I’m not going to argue over semantics. If you define the word nice in another way, then that’s your decision. The meaning of the word nice which I’ll be using, is pleasing, agreeable, unoffensive.
Nice guys feel like they don’t inherently deserve love and attention. They feel like they have to earn it, and they do that by being nice. They’ll go out of their way for everyone just to get other people to like them.
Now firstly, if you do this, you’re committing violence against yourself. You are not expressing who you are to the world, but are just putting up a facade to get people to like you. You are suppressing the qualities that make you unique. You are holding back your viewpoint because you feel like it won’t please everyone in the room.
This makes you utterly boring. People are attracted to each other’s rough edges, and you seem to have none.
And here’s where it gets insidious. Nice guys are too attached to their image of being nice. So they’re manipulative and dishonest. If they have any faults, they’ll go to great lengths to hide them. They don’t expect themselves to be human, all they ever want to be is nice. And the paradox is, the more nice they try to become, the more they get attached to that image, and the more greedy, manipulative and overall boring they become.
Be kind. It sounds simple, and a lot of you may be inclined to believe that it’s the same thing, but there’s a very subtle but a significant difference.
When you’re kind, you care for people because it’s simply an urge to care. You don’t help people because you don’t them to help you back. You don’t hold the door for people and expect them to say thank you, you do it because you feel like they need it and you want nothing in return.
And this is the fundamental difference between a nice person and a kind person. The nice guy is caretaking while the kind person is caring.
Nice guys try to avoid conflict. This is why they’ll always tell you it’s okay. They’ll always take the blame and let the argument pass. This is because they simple don’t want to offend. But by avoiding the conflict, they also avoid the resolution. And this is very dangerous because then you let resentment build up.
You cannot be conflict averse. Yes, you can be tactful in the way you phrase things, and yes you should be considerate of other’s feelings. But you should also resolve things and make sure that there is no resentment between you and the other person. This is called being kind.
Nice guys feel like they’re the victims. This is why they cry out with phrases like nice guys finish last. Kind people know that the world doesn’t owe them anything, and they’re kind inspite of knowing that fact.
So all you need to remember is this,
Don’t be nice. Be kind. That will make all the difference in the world.
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